Testing Results
Mood: Okay. It’s overcast and rainy. That always depresses me physically and makes me muddyheaded.
I got my test results for the MMPI-2 and Rorschach test. There was very little surprising about the results. I have a constant low-level depression that is less a function of the Bipolar and more about how I’ve learned to deal with the world over the last 34 years. The low level depression causes the depressive spikes to be worse than they might be for someone else. I also makes it difficult to get normal things done as I can’t get up the enthusiasm to take care of them. I suffer from ‘mental dulling’, and combined with the lowered motivation it causes difficulty focusing, remembering, and organizing. The manic stages don’t help much either as thoughts jumble and rumble without heed.
I showed high levels of anger that I push down, which makes it burst out at random, innapropriate moments. The other day I flung my phone across the room and thought I broke the damn thing. I don’t usually do stuff like that but I was having a bad couple of days. The anger was associated with my viewpoint that I’m not normal, that I don’t fit in society. I want life to be fair.
I compare myself to others constantly and don’t think I’m on their level. If you read my previous post about being 34, you can see how this is true. I see myself as damaged and then I work to substantiate it, ignoring evidence that I do have worth. I also hold myself to standards of perfection, which I can never achieve. Then I beat myself up over it. This leads to me avoiding completing projects because it’s better to not try than to fail.
It seems that I learned a lot about relationships from my parents, although I always thought I was doing things differently. I set myself up so that my needs aren’t met and cause self-fulfilling prophecy of a poor relationship. I create clingy relationships by feeling useless and needing someone to come in and take care of me. I also pull back when I become overwhelmed by relationship issues. Strong emotions and unmet needs are ignored in favor of remaining stuck on what attracted me to the other person in the first place. I don’t want to see their flaws.
The upside of all this is I apparently have healthy ways of dealing with a lot of my problems, I just don’t know how/when to use them. With therapy I believe this can change. I just have to be patient. Which should probably be the first thing I work on. 
This all sounds negative, but that’s why I’m in therapy. I don’t need help with the healthy aspects of my life. This did make me feel a little beat up, but it’s all true.
If this sounds like you, please, please, please get involved in psychotherapy. It may seem stupid. Media has biased us against mental health treatment. You’ll feel foolish but in the end… it’s worth it.
