Drug interaction problems a.k.a. I lost my car

So. The Abilify was causing Restless Leg Syndrome, which sounds like a load of B.S. until you’ve experienced walking down stairs and having your legs buckle from under you. I got put on another drug, Benztropine, to combat the RLS. Two weeks ago on Sunday, the various drugs interacted, causing auditory/visual hallucinations and blackouts. I smartly called into work, but that was about the last smart thing I did.

It was like being drunk, high, and tripping all at the same time, but without any paranoia. I wasn’t frightened by what I was seeing or hearing because I knew it was the meds. The trouble started when I got a call reminding me that I was late for an improv rehearsal. I said “Whoops!” then got in my car and started driving. I was convinced a man and a woman were in my backseat during the drive, I turned around twice and drove to Coldtowne Theatre, where the rehearsal WASN’T, had an awkward conversation with one of the owners, then got in my car and drove again.

The next thing I recall was being downtown and calling my roommate, asking him to pick me up because I couldn’t find my car. He got me and we drove around for a little while looking for it. I ‘decided’ that we could look for it tomorrow when it was light out and I was feeling better.

We went back the next day and couldn’t find the damn thing. I even had him drop me off so I could look around on foot and had no luck. Any trip back downtown has revealed nothing. I managed to get the police involved by claiming that it was most likekly stolen since it hadn’t turned up as towed or impounded (I checked multiple times). Most likely I found a spot near downtown Austin where they don’t have paid parking, but I’ll be damned if I know where that is. The whole area is either on street or off street paid parking, and I know that even in my inebriated state I wouldn’t have parked in a pay lot.

Since then I have been sharing a car with my roommate, which isn’t too bad since he doesn’t go out much, but it’s getting to be a problem. I don’t know what to do from here except take a look around downtown every now and then while waiting for Detective Reeves to get back to me. At this point I don’t care if the car gets impounded, as long as it’s whereabouts are known, I’ll be happy… until the bill comes in.

My sister is getting married this weekend!

So I’m flying out to San Diego! So no blog posts! SO BUTTONS!

Not Abandoned

Mood: Down but not out.

I hope the up in the doseage of Abilify will help me remember to post more often. We’ll have to see.

Lots of stuff has happened since my last post. My vacation went well, except for some drama with my ex. I’ve been in a funk since I got back. I think having friends around and a ton of fun stuff to do made me realize how lonely I am down here.

There was one day in particular, Monday. I woke up to a dreary day and couldn’t stop thinking that there was nothing to live for. It wasn’t suicidal, more like a malaise. I couldn’t stop thinking about how worthless life is, that without something to look forward to, something to fight for, then why be alive? I also kept running the fight with my ex through my head. She made me feel very guilty and that played into the whole deadness of the day. She called me up drunk last night and I said something that pissed her off. I don’t even know what it was. I need to stop talking to her.

I was pulled out of the negative feeling by talking to my mom, Gold, and my bi-polar ex (let’s call her Laine). Laine helped the most. She pointed out that when thoughts become so black-and-white, so negative, it’s the disease talking. She gave some suggestions on how to counteract the problem; physical exercise, distraction, using some CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to re-frame what kept running through my head. Talking to her helped SO much. I wish I hadn’t screwed things up with her.

So, if you’re diagnosed Bipolar or Depressed and you mind starts to go black-and-white, remember that you have a disease and like many diseases, it can be terminal. It can kill you. There are treatments available, you just have to commit to them. Therapy, medication, support systems, and CBT are several things that can help immensely. Don’t give up and don’t think you can do it yourself. That type of thinking can lead to your death. I’m not kidding around here. Do what you have to do, not what you want to do.

Music: “Hands of Stone” – Mastodon

VACATION!!!

I’m visiting my old home in Upstate NY! I’m flying out tomorrow! I can’t wait!

My buddy Rick visits Binghamton regularly. His wife lives up there (yeah, I know it sounds weird, but it works) and he’s got a lot of friends who’re still there. He says that going ‘home’ is a recharge for living in Austin and his trips abroad. I’m hoping it works the same way for me; my fear is that I’ll want to stay instead of coming back to Austin. We’ll have to see.

Strange thing happened last night with Ex. She called me and we chatted for a few, then she wanted to ask a ’serious question’. I girded my loins, not expecting them to be the topic of conversation. “When you come up here… do you want to f*** me?” I did say ‘yes’, by the way. Is it a good idea? Probably not, but I’m allowed to make mistakes.

I already know what will happen. When you’re intimate with someone you broke up with, it resets the ‘breakup clock’. In case you don’t know what I mean, here’s the scoop. X = the amount of time you spent with someone. Y= when you get over them. X divided by 2 = Y. So. Ex and I were together for 4 months. That means it’ll take at least 2 months for me to get over her. I’m going to be ‘resetting’, so it will take me at least 2 months after that to get over the whole thing. I found a chart online about this a while back but I don’t know where to find it. If anyone does, please send a link.

I did this before, but it was a year long relationship that kept getting reset every couple months. It took a huge fight to short-circuit the cycle. That shouldn’t be the case here, but who knows. Men and women fight. It’s how things are.

No internet for a few days during the move

Mood: Bored but decent.

So that’s why I didn’t post anything. Hopefully I can keep my 3 or 4 regular readers on board! Thanks guys! Tell your friends!

I haven’t said much about my living arrangements. I currently live in a house with three other duders. My buddy Rick has graciously given me a room free of charge because he knows how hard things have been for me and wants to help. The other guys lived with Rick a while beforehand and do pay rent. They’re cool with the situation though. Which is awesome. They could be jerks about the whole thing, but instead they’re on board.

We just moved from a rental house to what I consider to be the nicest house I will ever live in ever in my life ever. EVER! Rick makes bank as an IT guy and decided to buy a house! What a house! It’s one of those mini-mansion styles they build back in the early 90’s. The people who owned it before were two elderly ladies, a mother in her 80’s and daughter in her 60’s. That leaves the house with a distinctly grandmother style. They left behind a new sofa/love seat combo and this huge round bed that nobody wants. My new room is about 3/4 bigger than the old one. Currently it’s full of boxes because I don’t want to unpack.

Moving is always stressful, even when it’s into a great big new house. We went from South Austin, near where I work, to North Austin, where I don’t. I might be able to transfer to another theater closer to the new house which brings on another big change in the midst of the biggest change of my life. I moved down here and within 4 months, I moved again. Okay, it’s the same city, but still, it’s stressful.

I haven’t slept quite right in the new place. My schedule is all messed up. It could be a lot worse. A lot of Bipolar people don’t handle change well, especially sleeping problems. I’ve been there, trust me.

I find myself thinking of my ex a lot, having to remind myself that she IS actually my ex and that I won’t get a call from her. I got one the other night and it ended poorly. I don’t want to go into it, but I told her I felt like she was picking a fight with me and that calmed her down… I think. The call ended shortly thereafter. I’ll probably see her when I visit. I’ve got a pair of shorts, a pair of undies and a t-shirt she left behind. I suppose I could leave them with someone else…

This has been the most ‘typical blog’ post I’ve ever written. There’s more to talk about but I don’t want to type anymore. Plus it’ll give me material for new posts. Yay!

Music: The Doors – Touch Me

Bad Patient?

Mood: Frustrigulated and Quiet

So apparently when I lost it at the last session I scared my therapist so badly that she doesn’t want to work with me again. These people have me so turned around I don’t know where I stand. It feels like they think I’m really off the deep end. I don’t like it.

The psych (who is the lead on my ‘team’) has set me up with a male therapist who I met with last friday when I was feeling extremely lonely, bored, listless and frustrated. I’m not sure I liked him. He seemed aggresive as well, like the idea of therapy is to tell me how to do things, not to get to the root causes of why I do them. The first way seems like treating the symptom while the latter is hitting the disease.

My psych also quickly suggested ‘day programs’ which is like temporary in-patient care. I don’t think I’m that far gone. I’m concerned about where this place is leading me and I’m not sure I like it. I don’t usually argue with doctors but in this case I’m going to have to at least make my concerns very apparent. I don’t trust this place. I need somewhere where it’s okay for me to lose it for a couple minutes, to be ‘weak’ so I can find my strength again. If I can’t have that then it’s time to move on.

Even with all that I put on a whip-ass sketch show last night. I’m super proud of myself and the sketches me and Goldman have written. The guys I found down here to take roles in the sketches did a great job. It was awesome.

Music – Songs from “Plants vs. Zombies”

Bad Therapist

Mood: 2 steps below content, but 2 steps above upset.

So I had my third and now final appointment with my therapist. Near the end of the session she said “I don’t think we’re equipped to handle you”, which makes me wonder what kind of training she must have gotten. At one point she said “I feel that you’re trying to render me powerless”. Who cares how I’m making you feel? You’re supposed to be helping me here!

The discussion during the session was about how disorganized I am and how I’ve tried many different ways of dealing with the problem. She kept making suggestions and I had to respond truthfully, that I’d tried most of those before. She handed me Post-It notes and told me to use those as if that hadn’t occurred to me before. She came across very aggressive, seemingly wanting to ‘fix’ me, and when I was reluctant she became offended. To me, this is all unprofessional behavior.

I got very angry at the end of the session. I felt like I was being abandoned by someone who was there to help me. I felt like it was my fault somehow, or that I was too crazy to ever get any real help. I got dragged down fast and had to drop my shift at work, which sucks since I need the money. I went to the gym instead and did a fairly intense workout. Helped a lot. Then I called my old therapist and she helped me put things in perspective. With this incident I found that I wouldn’t have the working relationship I need. I By the end of the day I was feeling pretty good. I love my meds, man. Love ‘em. I’d still be a mess if I didn’t take them.

I still think the whole situation sucks; I’ve spent a lot of time and a lot of money being tested and meeting with therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists– all for nothing. The process will have to start all over again. I’m getting very discouraged about this move to Austin. I had a therapist, a support network, and family back home. That’s all gone now and it’s fucking with me hardcore. Hopefully my trip home in a couple weeks will recharge me enough to stick with Austin. We’ll have to see.

Music – None today! Last night it was Neurosis.

Quickie

Did a search with the bipolar tag and found this useful gem; 8 ways to control Bipolar Disorder. I do just about all of them and it does help. See their comments for my opinions.

Breakup.

Mood: Untethered.

I bet we won’t even break up and this will be a post inspired by nothing. But I wouldn’t bet much.

I would have lost some money on that one!

So, yeah, we broke up for all the reasons listed in the previous post. I’m upset about it, sure, but not crying/smashing/flipping out upset. The two things that I am thrown by are the feeling of loss and the denial of sexual release.

I’ve been in Austin for 3 1/2 months now, and I had my heart set on going back to Binghamton to see my girl (now dubbed Erin), my friends, my town and to have as much sex that 7 days would allow. Now, I’ll see my friends and my town, but the girl and the sex are done. Should I feel like a jerk for missing the sex so much? Well, I do, so there.

I get my feeling of loss. In Austin, I have very little to hold on to. My job sucks, I only have one close friend (Rick) who’ll be leaving in a few weeks and won’t be back for months, and I’m having a hard time being focused. I had one part of my life covered; a relationship. Now that’s gone and I feel completely untethered. It’s disturbing. I’m like a spacewalking astronaut with no line connecting to the ship. I’m hanging on to something, though. Wish I knew what it was.

The upsides of the breakup are small as far as I can tell. I pushed my visit home back a week so I could go to a friends wedding, which is awesome. He and his wife have been great friends for the past 5 years now. The other upside is that now I can hit on girls down here without guilt. Another friend of mine (let’s call him The Goldman) says it’s probably a good thing to have my last strong connection to home cut so I can be free. But freedom is scary and I don’t know what to do next.

I just realized I called Binghamton ‘home’. I need to stop doing that. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart walked away. So where am I living? Is this living?

I miss home.

Music: Interpol – Mammoth “Now it’s enough with this fucking incence, just spare me the suspense.”

Breakup?

Mood: Meh, shmee-shmaa.

So it looks like my long-distance is going to break up with me. Which is fine, actually. I never could have done it. She’s incredibly sensitive and has a serious drinking problem. I hate being the cause of a bout of alcohol abuse, not that it hasn’t happened before.

And here’s another strange thing. She’s in love with me. I’m not in love with her.

The relationship is incredibly complicated. She’s much younger than me, still in college. We now live 1600 miles away. We’re from different socio-economic classes. She’s a self-medicating alcoholic who has been through stuff straight out of “The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things”. I’m bi-polar, 34, have no distinct future or plans, no money, am barely employed and lonely.

As you can probably guess, the sex is wonderful.

In my previous post “Testing Results“, I mentioned how I enter relationships that are destined to fail. I’ve said I never want to get a divorce, but it appears that I set myself up for mini-divorces in all my relationships. I either choosing people who can’t handle a serious relationship, or I sabotage it myself somehow.

I should be married right now. On one of my manic phases I screwed up a 3 year relationship. We were (again) in a long-distance but this was after 2 1/2 in the same city. We had an ‘open relationship’ but the ground rules weren’t laid out clearly enough. I slept with another girl, my gf considered it cheating, and that was that. At the time, I felt like a rock star and didn’t see the problem with hooking up with someone, why that might hurt her, or why dating 2 other girls on top of the others would cause problems. Manic states bring on hypersexuality and spates of cheating. Here’s an article on Bipolar hypersexual behavior.

She was bipolar too. Diagnosed at the time, unlike me. I don’t know what it is that attracts me to crazy girls. They just seem so much more interesting. However, they usually can’t hold down their end of a relationship, so that’s shooting the whole thing in the foot right from the moment I make the choice to date them.

I bet we won’t even break up and this will be a post inspired by nothing. But I wouldn’t bet much.